Vermont To Arrest George Bush And Dick Cheney

Brattleboro, Vermont has a vote scheduled to decide whether or not to indict and issue arrest warrants for George Bush and Dick Cheney. Their crimes: Perjury, war crimes, espionage for spying on U.S. citizens and obstruction of justice for the firing of U.S. attorneys. The warrant would be limited to only the state of Vermont if Bush or Cheney ever entered the state of Vermont.

The Brattleboro town garnered enough signatures to to have the vote on the ballot. The item, by a margin of 3-2, has been slated to be voted on during the next Town Meeting day.

Kurt Daims, who has taken the lead on the petition, stated that, “This petition is as radical as the Declaration of Independence, and it draws on that tradition in claiming a universal jurisdiction when governments fail to do what they’re supposed to do. We have the full power to issue indictments, conduct trials, incarcerate offenders and do all other acts which independent jurisdictions have the right to do.”

A few snipets from the proclamation: The criminal indictments would be the “law of the town of Brattleboro and the Brattleboro police…arrest and detain George Bush and Richard Cheney in Brattleboro, if they are not duly impeached…have them put in public stocks and ridiculed for 72 hours…have them tar and feathered…administer 40 lashes….

The town of Brattleboro has a legendary history when it comes to treason.

This isn’t the first time the town has issued arrest warrants for a president. In 1790, Mayor Newsom issued an arrest warrant for George Washington for war crimes against the King under the threat of being hanged by the citizens of Brattleboro if he did not take action. According to Vermont historian, Bryan Smithers, the town had tried to issue a warrant shortly after the war, but were forced to wait for a country and subsequently a president to come into existence. “They jumped the gun, if you will,” proclaimed Smithers. Brattleboro has subsequintly issued 42 indictments and warrants for presidents since Washington.

Before joining the Continental Army in the war against the British, Benedict Arnold settled in Brattleboro and successfully ran for mayor–a position he held during his tenure as General of the Continental Army. During the war and the whole West Point misunderstanding, when Arnold had to move unceremoniously and with haste to Britain, the town of Brattleboro elected him to another term of Mayor in absentia.

A statue was erected in 1965 in reverence to Arnold’s memory in the town square.

Aldridge Aimes enjoyed his summers in Brattleboro where he maintained a summer cottage. He is remembered kindly to this day by residents of the town. “He had several late night visitors at his house, but was a quiet neighbor none the less,” stated Vera Klick. “He was a good neighbor, always willing to help out. And he had the cutest carrier pigeons.”

Johnson Glass, proprietor of the Brattleboro Dry Goods Depot, said he had many long talks with Aimes as he played games of 42 in his store. “Aimes said he always felt drawn to Brattleboro for some reason, but couldn’t explain it,” said Glass.

In an awkward alliance, Brattleboro has a sister city in Texas that also has intentions of arresting George Bush.

The city of Sachse is a cosmopolitan jurisdiction just east of the Dallas skyline. It offers the discriminating emptor a broad selection of high end mobile homes or low end track domiciles. It is a palatable paradise with a wide range of cuisine ranging from Dairy Queen’s beltbuster to the much anticipated grand opening of the Sonic drive in where the discriminating diner can enjoy a foot long cheese coney.

Sachse was drawn into the fray over communism and fossil fuel. The collective intelligentsia of the metropolis of Sachse, thinking outside the box, declared war on fossil fuel energy with a solution diametrically opposed to conventional wisdom. Their solution was to use up all the fossil fuel as fast as possible so the country can move on to another form of energy. The most expedient way to accomplish this goal was for the citizenry to be mandated to drive pick-up trucks. To further enforce this method, all self propulsion modes of transportation are against the law within their jurisdiction. The city has declared war on bicycles and joggers or any form of transportation that does not leave a noticeable carbon footprint. All citizens have been deputized to enforce the ordinance by hurling any type of projectiles or expletives from their fossil fuel propelled vehicles.

The ban on self propulsion vehicles was eloquently encapsulated by one of the finer citizens of Sachse with a neck of crimson persuasion, “Git’em bikes off da road. If you are a riding on one of them there bicycles, and don’t use gas, you are a communist, and we don’t want no gas avoiding communist coming through our town. And if that George Bush thinks he can ride that bicycle of his here, he can get himself arrested just like the other pinkos. The council said so. And besides, they slow us normal folk down on the road.”

When asked for a comment, Dick Cheney, extending an olive branch, said he would invite them all to go on a hunting trip with him and they could work it out.